This year, like many people, I have struggled to manage my depression and anxiety. If you don’t know me, I am very much an action person. I see a problem (real or imagined lol) and I go full force into solving mode. So, to combat my anxiety and depression, I resumed weekly therapy, took medication from my primary care doctor, got a trainer, got a chiropractor who does body work- really tried all the wellness angles I could think of besides colonics, juicing, or anything related to keto. I was even given crystals and a wind chime with the chakras in it.
I was doing the best I could, but still felt miserable. My therapist would assign me things to ponder or work on for the following session- mostly “acknowledging joy, celebrating your wins” but I had no freaking idea how people did that. I have always been a triage person- survive this moment- reach that milestone- rinse and repeat.
Even though my mental health was at its lowest, 2021 was very kind to me. This was the year my wife and I bought our first home, which had been an unattainable (or so I thought) goal of mine since I was very young and spent a large portion of my life camping because we were homeless. I didn’t realize it at the time of course, I just thought we REALLY liked camping and fishing.
This year I also celebrated a year of marriage, and again, like most people. we’re not perfect, but we’re both very happy with the life we’re building together. We got a new puppy, I got a new car, we celebrated the marriage of two of my favorite people IRL in that brief summer-window where we all thought it was going to be ok. And I also got to celebrate the marriage of two more of my favorite people via zoom at the beginning of the “this shit is picking back up” times.
So, what’s my problem? I mean compared to others I have been so lucky. I’m employed; I’m not in danger of being unhoused; I have food to eat.
But, that hasn’t always been the case for me. With the help of my therapist, we identified that these threats that are present all around for so very many of us, are bringing up the feelings and memories of those times in my life when the only meal I might eat would be a mark-out item from the Starbucks bakery during my shift. (Raise your hand if mark-outs and tips literally sustained you at the ‘Bucks.) or the days when the only food I had access to was the free breakfast and lunch at school and whatever my mom brought home from her cafe job or that we got at a food pantry. (Food bank friends you are starting to see the genesis of my food banking career and my obsession with food as a human right and dignity in assistance.)
I’ve got a little one question survey below to see how many readers have experienced food insecurity in their lives. I’d be honored if you answered.
When I felt like I was running out of regimens and therapies to try, I happened upon a post by a woman I went to high school with. She was offering a discount for an end of year coaching session to kick off 2022 in the best possible way.
I had seen her build a a very successful career in the events management space and she talked about Celebration ALL OF THE TIME. Who better to help me with my “find ways to celebrate and feel joy” than a former high school cheerleader who has a whole webpage on her website focused on celebrating?
Despite those incredible credentials I was still skeptical. My background is filled with pain, and loss, and abuse. What can this woman who literally sparkles have to offer to brighten up the darkness I’ve tucked away? But then I read her blogs . And I saw that Chelsey’s gift is celebrating the joys in life while life is really being kind of a dick. So I realized she could probably reach me. And thus, I got a joy coach. And it was tough and we cried and I am forever changed by the experience.
I threw confetti on my desk. A woman who once made not so vague threats to coworkers who wanted to decorate my desk for my birthday with confetti, threw it on purpose.
Chelsey does Executive Coaching mostly, and my cohort of women are all bad asses running their own companies or at the top of their industries and me. A writer who had to forget she was a writer to pay the bills, who has now found the joy in doing something just for me. It doesn’t have to be good, it doesn’t have to be a formal essay. I can just word vomit (obviously) and as long as I am happy doing it, then it it is worthwhile and worthy of celebrating.
Image Description:
A motivational sign with a yellow, orange, and red gradient background behind black font with the following messaging:
”Finding yourself” is not really how it works. You aren’t a ten-dollar bill in last winter’s coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are.
“Finding yourself” is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.